Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Inner demons

Choosing to live and grapple with one’s demons is an act of courage. Every time I turn around lately I find someone with a story to share or a battle well fought, and this inspires me in my own battles with “acedia,” or the “noonday demon,”  originally noted amongst monks who live a solitary life and find themselves alone with their worst thoughts about themselves on a  regular basis.   Kathleen Norris writes eloquently on the subject  --but I suspect everyone can find someone who, if willing, has a compelling story to share. I’m grateful for the examples I have in my life at the moment: I have especially looked for fortitude and faith, a counting on God but also an inner strength, a belief that all will be well, no matter the circumstances.

My current demons revolve around believing I can get through this pregnancy, and that I will hold my beautiful baby. That my  body won’t betray me. That I will have faith in God, make the right and healthy choices for myself, and somehow take care of my family.  Put things in perspective.  My battle revolves around this beautiful pregnancy, but I know elements of my battle resonate with those for whom the battle is about something else altogether.  The honesty and hope which go hand in hand for these genuine souls encourages me to keep moving, even if the steps are little and the days seem long.

It’s my hope and prayer that you will find this balance for yourself, that you will find people and their stories to share the journey along the way, that you won’t get too caught up in the end goal to miss the excruciating but gorgeous things that may happen as you move forward.